I had decided I am having a quarter-life crisis until I realized that I'm not likely to live to be 104. Considering the short life-spans of my relatives, calling it a 1/3-life crisis seems more appropriate. I was on a business trip to Kentucky last week, and I think I had too much time on my hands with nothing to occupy my mind and not enough sleep. I thought about the fact that I'm turning 27 in a few months and kind of freaked out. I had thought I was above this or beyond it or whatever. I've read "Flux". I've taught myself to be realistic about what I can accomplish in my life. If I want to have a family and be the mom I want to be, I will probably not have a stellar career. I've spent the last 3 years of my life trying to get myself over the craving for recognition from the nameless Other as something special or smart or... just something. I've sought humility and the joy that comes with it. (Or have I?)
Then, out of nowhere came the nagging doubts. 30 is when you're supposed to be settled, to have your life and your circumstances picked out, yet here I am edging closer to the mark than I'd fully realized, having spent the last ten years of my life in preparation... for what? I got a masters so I could get into a good PhD program, but given a variety of circumstances I won't go into, that is not likely to happen for awhile. I'm learning to be a manager, but I don't really want the working hours that a job requiring these skills demands. I've spent the last 10 years preparing myself for something, and now I realize that it was less preparation and more sliding into the most convenient thing for me to do at the time. If only I'd decided at 15 that I wanted to be a nurse or a lawyer or a teacher. I would have been able to stick with it, and I would be done preparing for it by now and actually doing the work I was trained to do. What have now is a lot of preparation and no real career path to show for it.
As Josh gets within sight of finishing his PhD and we start considering what the next step in our lives will be, I have three worries: that I won't be challenged, fulfilled, or recognized in whatever I do next. I've spent the first third of my life shaping it, but I'm not sure what shape it's in. What defines who I am and how I am perceived? If we move, what impression will the people I meet have of me? For that matter, I don't really like where we live now. How will I ensure that the next place we live is better?
I was absolutely in knots with worry yesterday morning, and then we read this verse in Sunday School (a class that actually didn't have much to do with this topic. It was about anger):
"Come now, you who say, 'Today or tomorrow we will go to such and such a city, spend a year there, buy and sell, and make a profit'; whereas you do not know what will happen tomorrow. For what is life? It is even a vapor that appears for a little time and then vanishes away. Instead you ought to say, 'If the Lord wills, we shall live and do this or that.' But now you boast in your arrogance. All such boasting is evil." (James 4:13-16)
Ouch. Not only have I spent the last few years preparing for who knows what, I've spent them trying to quell the need I feel to shape my life into something particular, more specifically into something that commands recognition. And here I am, whining and fretting as if I hadn't learned a thing about humility and the fact that my plans matter so little, that God's plans are important (not to mention that they're the ones that will actually pan out.) What shape is my life in? Well, I know the shape it ought to be:
"Blessed is the man
Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly,
Nor stands in the path of sinners,
Nor sits in the seat of the scornful;
But his delight is in the law of the Lord,
And in His law he meditates day and night.
He shall be like a tree
Planted by the rivers of water.
That brings forth its fruit in its season,
Whose leaf also shall not wither;
And whatever he does shall prosper." (Psalm 1:1-3)
If that could describe my life. Well, what are challenges, fulfillment, and recognition as we usually think of them next to that?
Posted by waltondammerung at January 23, 2006 10:04 PMHey, wonderful post :-) Can I borrow "Flux" when I come up?
Posted by: Kwin at January 24, 2006 8:41 AMAmy, I love this post (and it's nice to see you blogging again, too!). It perfectly encapsulates so much of what I (and so many people our age!) have been feeling. Thanks for the wise words.
Posted by: sharon at January 24, 2006 10:17 AMWell, if it's recognition you need, your mama is fairly weeping with joy over this post.
If that seems insufficient, go see "The End of the Spear" and then continue the discussion. "He is no fool who gives what he cannot keep to gain what he cannot lose."
Posted by: Mom at January 24, 2006 5:47 PMI used to be a vocalist. I craved the attention, loved the spotlight, and defined myself by how "good" I was as a performer. For various reasons, I had to stop. Now my life is considerably more settled, soon my husband and I will have the time and money to take up some of our interests again, and I find myself looking forward to singing -- not because of the glory, but because I like to do it.
It's too late to be the best now. I'll never be successful as a performer because I'm 25 and just too old to catch up. But now that my life is slower and so much less stressful, I'm happier than I ever was under all that pressure. When I start singing again, I'll have the time and sanity to enjoy the excitement. Now I know how to control the stress. And most importantly, now I understand that I can be happy in any of a million different lives -- not just the one I planned for myself.
Pushing and trying may get you somewhere, but is it anywhere you really want to be? Everyone is different, but personally, I like life in the slow lane. Here there is no pressure, and the choices I make are all mine. If you do decide to slow down, it won't kill you. Maybe you'll even find what you've been looking for all along. It was the biggest surprise of my life when I did.
Posted by: Angela at January 24, 2006 7:18 PMThanks for a great post, Amy. I have to remind myself of these things time and again as I raise (soon to be) 3 children! The successes and recognitions from this endeavor take forever. I often tell Dave it's not fair that he gets grades- I want one too!!! Someone tell me I am doing an A+ job of being a mama. Someone tell me my kids are going to turn out okay... Someone tell me it's okay that I am not in academics and that I didn't waste my time getting a BA degree! Someone remind me ALL the time that NONE of these things matter and that I am called to be a humble servant in order that the Kingdom may grow!
All that to say, I know just what you mean, Amy. 10 months to go until I am 30. I may have kids, but I am certainly far from settled (who can be with a husband in grad school?) and no tangible way to measure my successes.
And now, I think I will go build Tinker Toys with Simeon just to say I accomplished something for the day. : )
Posted by: bethany at January 30, 2006 11:38 AMAmy, Bethany, et al.,
From the vantage point of 51, I can tell you that this is an on-going struggle, especially for women in our society. The permanent things (rearing godly children, practicing true hospitality - not "entertaining", devoting time and energy to prayer and relationships) are the least valued, and, indeed, most often reviled, in our culture.
To survive and thrive, it is absolutely imperative to meditate on passages like Psalm 1, the gospels in general, and the Sermon on the Mount iin particular ("Blessed are you when men shall revile you and persecute you and say all manner of evil against you falsely on my account."). We serve the Son of God Who made Himself nothing, taking on the very nature of a servant. He did not seek men's praise, because He knew (and knows) what was in the heart of man. Instead, He sought to do the will of the Father.
This is not a path of instant rewards and recognition. It wasn't for Christ, so it certainly won't be for us. He is preparing us for the long haul, the work of a lifetime, and eternal life beyond that lifetime. But, strangely, this lifetime work is carried out in minute by minute acts of faithfulness and love. As I've observed true saints in their later years, the snowball effect of those daily acts of obedience is overwhelming: holiness has become a way of life, and has grown so large that everyone in the vicinity is influenced by it. But it was first formed in the crucible of daily life: on the job relating to co-workers and doing the job faithfully when others may not be, or at home doing dishes, loving your husband when he is less than perfect, changing babies' diapers, and picking up the toys for the ten thousandth time today.
The other focus of meditation I have found to be beneficial is on the nature of God. Is He really to be trusted? If so, with what am I willing to trust him? My MA, that was on the shelf for a number of years? My training and thinking, that seemed to be overcome to the point of being lost altogether by the repetitive demands of two young children? Did God call me to go to study as I did? I think so. Then could I trust Him to take care of what I had already given Him? Intellectually, I could say "yes," but emotionally, I doubted, because I didn't really have a sufficient degree of trust, or humility - surely I knew better how to use what I had. Yet He was still trustworthy and faithful, beyond whatever I could have imagined. So now I know a little better, but only a little. Every moment was worth it (just look at Amy and Will!).
I'm still learning day by day that no service or sacrifice to Him or for His sake is ever wasted. He can be trusted absolutely, and He absolutely must be trusted, or we cannot live the Christian life.
An easy road? No, but it is joyful. It is also the only route to the destination.
Posted by: Mom at January 30, 2006 5:24 PMAmy, Great post. I offered some of my thoughts over on Misadventures. At least you are not alone, dear friend! Keeping perspective in this postmodern world is difficult. (I imagine some medieval vicar saying the same thing, "Living in this post-ancient world is reall difficult to remain faithful." Though I don't think that folks in the middle ages were so self-concious!
Posted by: Sarah (Mrs. Irani) at January 31, 2006 6:33 AM